Pleasure: how it nourishes us, resources us and helps us to grow

Pleasure is your birthright. When I say that, when you read it, what do you notice in your body?

Pleasure is certainly a word that sets a lot of us off and that is because of the stigma of cultural shame that we hold in our body around it first and foremost. Our body has orientations toward pleasure and pain. Pleasure is opening and expansion and pain is constriction and a move away from energy. Pain tells us when something is not safe and our nervous system moves us into action to take us away from it. Maybe we’ve also had personal experiences of when we overdosed on something we felt was pleasurable and things haven’t turned out well. That is one way to stop our nervous system from letting us feel free to fell it.

Humans are incredibly sensuous beings and our senses are how we experience the world through our five senses of smell, taste, smell, sight and touch/feeling. We experience pleasure through these sensory experiences. When we are consciously doing this we are building new neural pathways for our body to feel this expansive energy. We need to do this in small doses, like microdoses, otherwise that nervous system kicks in, says I’m not enjoying this, or this is too much and that shame reaction comes back.

Let’s just talk about shame for a minute. There is a relational component to shame. It’s usually something like this, “That person made me feel ashamed by saying/doing……. “. People definitely use shame as a weapon, and shame definitely been used to stop us feeling and embracing our bodies need to feel pleasure. It’s been used to take away autonomy and choice without a doubt.

But shame occurs when there is a part of us that agrees with the other. There is some part of you and me that agrees with the shaming idea/assertion/concept and then we feel shamed. The shame that is living there in the unconscious, actually agrees with what the other is saying or their perception and ideas of you. The person might be actually saying the thing that we have always feared is actually wrong with us and now it must be true because they’ve said it.

What this shame tells us is that we are seeking external validation to tell us we are ‘good person’ and that there is a part of us thinking what they are thinking. It wouldn’t bother us if that part wasn’t there feeling the shame.

When we realise this it is liberating because we know that anyone can say anything to us and we don’t have to feel shame.

When we are children we don’t really have the life experience and inquiry skills to look at it this way. To do the self inquiry and perspective seeking work. We rely on our parents and caregivers to support our nervous system through co-regulation and to give us information about ourselves, our behaviour. What is ok and not ok, help us with our boundaries.

When we don’t get that support as kids, we tend to continue to look for external validation from others into our adult life. It would be silly of us to expect children and traumatised nervous systems to not feel shame.

So back to pleasure. That cultural conditioning that said you are a bad person if you feel pleasure, well a lot of it comes from religion and came in times of austerity when the cultural austerity came in to curb the excess of hedonism. The pendulum of culturally acceptable behaviour swang really hared the other way. Those Romans they were hedonists. The French revolution came about after years of hedonism and sensually gratuitous behaviour by the French Royal court. Kind of makes sense, but the pendulum swang too far and here we are a couple of hundred years later disconnected from our bodies because we don’t feel safe to feel pleasure.

This is why sensual pleasure is a good start and starting small is a good way because that small dose of it will feel safe in your nervous system, and that part of you that feels shame, it won’t go into overwhelm. Our sensory experiences help us connect to our bodies, they are the language of the nervous system. So by starting small we build and strengthen the nervous system. Our autonomic nervous system is beautiful and it is always working really hard to keep us safe and to regulate us. Small doses, titrate it for us. We have to practice. It takes devotion too. We have to commit to letting ourselves feel pleasure every day and the best way to do it is by starting off your day with pleasure. Our body will fight us, there will be resistance. “I’m too busy, I have work to do'“. Flight response. “I feel like I don’t deserve to feel pleasure it feels terrible putting myself first’. Flight and freeze working together. “I’m too tired to do it”, that is collapse.

Pleasure is the counter vortex. It builds that alternative neural pathway to the vortex of trauma. This is how it resources us.

So what are some pleasurable activities that are healthy choices.

• Singing, Chanting or Dancing

• Using our breath; doing breathwork or breathing exercises

• Movement, exercise, walking in nature.

• Eating nutrious food and really being present to the taste of it

• Surfing, skiing, rollerblading - they take a lot of concentration and ask of us to be truly present in the moment with our body.

• Going to an art gallery and admiring the art

• Listening to music or creating music

• Sexual self-pleasure is very nourishing and supportive

This helps us in everyday life and it helps us in the bedroom. When we know what we like we can talk to our partner about it. We can ask for what we want.

It turns out that being able to access aliveness & pleasant sensations in the body actually supports our nervous system and makes us more emotionally resilient.

Pleasure isn't only sexual, it's about enjoying being in your body throughout your day.

When we're more connected to pleasure, we're more loving and generous to those around us, we have more energy, we're able to focus better, we're more relaxed... and…

we get more done!

-Source unknown

What about the pleasure we might feel from coffee, drinking alcohol and taking recreational drugs?

Well you might feel good but actually we take them to avoid, to not feel and to soothe most of the time. So coffee is great but it stimulates adrenaline in our body which creates that fight and flight energy. So if we are taking it because we are tired and need more energy, we are ignoring our bodies boundary and its message that we you need to stop and rest. Alcohol is a downer and generally distracts us from feeling. Or for some people they can only express themselves and find a voice when they are drunk which is still avoidance. Recreational drugs, the stimulus response depends on the drug, but they are a tool of avoidance from being present in the moment, to wanting to feel.

Addicted to the pleasure of shopping, that high from buying stuff? This is a little hit of external validation that elevates us to help us feeling a sense of belonging but its a super quick hit and we often feel empty afterward. Don’t get me wrong there is nothing wrong with shopping per say and personally I love a good spot of window shopping and looking at clothes, but when you use it as a distraction to make yourself feel good, to not feel the ‘difficult’ emotions, or can’t stop your online shopping, that is a problem.

Finally, pleasure, how does it help us grow?

Well when we build up our capacity to receive it in our nervous system, we build up our capacity to feel more expansive energy. This is an open and vulnerable energy, we can only grow from this position. We cannot grow from constriction and shutdown, from invulnerability. We are not open to other perspectives in this state, we rarely inquire, we cannot listen to another person’s point of view and we certainly find it hard to let ourselves feel bigger emotions. We are in disconnect.

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Who runs the world....

A few years ago I was at one of my sons cricket game on a Saturday morning with my husband. We ran into an old friend who is a CEO in a financial services institution. We were talking about the state of the world; climate change, gender inequality, corporate toxicity all of it. Our friend turned to us and said “ I think Men have really stuffed it all up and should give up and let Women run it all', what do you think?” My husband agreed. An older friend of ours who was also standing watching, who at that time was in his late 70s said “oh no women get super angry when they go through menopause and they never stop after that!’. I ignored that comments. I of course loved it; I was feeling very vindicated after years of putting up with rubbish behaviour in the corporate environment. But also as a coach I see patriarchal conditioning playing out negatively for everyone I coach, regardless of their gender, every single day. Later my husband described the look on my face as like ‘the cat who ate the canary!’

But here is the big kicker and it is really why I do, the work I do. So many women have been ‘kicked down’ for so long there is a lot of work that needs to be done to build up their self-love, self-efficacy, ability to hold all of their emotions in a grounded way AND to make friends with their relationship to power. To learn to connect with their sexuality and to enjoy erotic pleasure all for themselves. In my humble opinion, until all that healing work is done, nothing much is going to change.

One of the biggest skills we need to learn as adults, particularly if we want to set ourselves up for thriving in our second part of life, is to be able to hold the energy of the feelings of our emotions. Feelings, particularly those associated with those feelings we’ve been taught to repress because they are unacceptable (you know the usuals Anger, Grief, Sadness, Frustration, Despair), can feel kind of yuck when we are not used to it. It takes a lot of practice when we’ve been repressing them to be able to hold the energy of them in our body and let it run through. It is not enough to be able to talk about it, you have to be able to stay in your body and feel it. Let me tell you it takes an enormous amount of energy to keep them repressed, so think of what you are missing out on it terms of access to your life force energy by keeping up these unhealthy patterns of repression. Imagine the toll it takes on your body!

When you cut yourself off from feeling one emotion, you cut yourself off from all of them - you don’t get to choose. There are so many ways you can learn to' ‘feel all your feels’ and most of them will centre around some form of embodiment practice. My best tip if you a starting this journey is Dancing. Yes find a song that lets you connect with the feelings you are having and go dance your little heart out.

The second really critical thing I think women need to connect with is their sexuality. I can tell you that when you do this, you will feel liberated and free. Your sexual energy is life force energy. When you cut yourself off from that, you lose vitality, a source of nourishment and energy. Our Sexuality is a deep part of who we are as humans. It is a foundational aspect of who we are. When you connect with your sexual energy you build confidence and self-esteem, self-love and self-acceptance. Many women have learned about their sexuality through a masculine lens and for this reasons many of them find it hard to connect with what their erotic energy and how their body functions sexually. Often thinking this doesn’t really work for me or feel like me. My body doesn’t work well, I am broken. Well firstly I want to tell you that there is nothing wrong with you. You are judging yourself based on a model of male sexuality. Secondly, you can start really slowly by practicing female embodiment practices - I have a free Mini Course on Female Embodiment if you would like to start up some practices.

“There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening, that is translated through you into action. And because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any medium and it will be lost”

— Martha Graham

Finally, connecting with your sensuality is another strong key to connecting with yourself. Your sensuality is how you take in the world through your five senses. It is grounding to your nervous system, it is a source of great pleasure and joy. Our senses help us connect with the deep parts of ourselves that we have locked way. They take us to the places inside of us that are often unconscious. Pleasure through our senses are a great source of joy and nourishment. It is also a source of grounding for your nervous system and a great tool to use for rest and finding simple pleasures in the moment.

Of all the women I coach most of the ‘problems’ they have, are related to feeling broken sexually and emotionally, frustrated, hopeless, lacking self-esteem and self confidence, are not because they have done anything wrong. It is because we have grown up in a culture that wants women to play small, be quiet and not complain. There is implicit messaging that if you own your emotions, if you have a healthy sexuality and connection to your sensuality, there is something wrong with you. You are too much, too big, too emotional.

So here is what I want to say to you.

Pleasure is your birthright. All human bodies have a innate orientation toward it.

So there is a bit to do if we want women to run the world, but it is not that hard, inaccessible or gruelling. It involves us unlearning all this cultural conditioning. It involves a bit of rebellion.

In fact, learning all these new skills can be a lot of fun. It can be liberating, give you a sense of freedom and you could even see it as an act of revolution. It’s an act of unlearning all the bullshit cultural messaging you’ve been told of how you are supposed to be and to learn how to just be yourself.

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Perspective is everything

I recently read a book called ‘Cassandra Speaks’ by Elizabeth Lesser. My friend Jackie texted me and said ‘I’ve just read this book you will love it, a must read’. (thanks Jack by the way). It is a story about women. It is a story about understanding the stories of women and how they create meaning in our lives. How we act them out every day.

Words are powerful and so are lack of words. When we don’t talk about issues it creates a vacuum and a void, so people make up stories in the absence of that. I learned this pretty quickly about 25 years ago when I started doing change management work in the corporate sector. Human’s learn and communicate through stories, we have been doing it for thousands of years. Stories are powerful. You can drive change just on a narrative when you take a narrow view of an issue. Brexit anyone?

We talk about what we value in society. Think about that, especially those of you who are getting older. How do you feel about ageing and death? In a cultural context, where youth is prized. Where we don’t really want to deal with old people. Atul Gawande wrote about this a few years back in his book, Being Mortal. (another great read). You try and look for a stock photo picture of a women in her forties. I am telling you it is near impossible.

Think about the ancient stories that centre around women. There are not so many. When we are involved we are usually the supporting character or the evil person. If it is an older person in the story, she’s a woman usually evil or a witch. The evil ugly step mother, Cruella da Ville ring any bells.

Which brings me back to my main point. If we want to thrive and lead a more empowered life as a human race we really have to be able to listen, watch and read about other perspectives. I have a great coach friend Julia who is very opinionated. This is one of the things I really love about her. She is also fierce. I rarely agree with her on many issues. On the big stuff I often do though. I like her values too. I am always curious to hear what she has to say about any issue. She opens my eyes, ears and heart to other ways of looking at an issue. We can have different perspectives and still be friends.

How we frame up a dilemma in our life determines what we see and what we don’t see, which impacts on the decision we make. Being able to take up many perspectives and enquire into them broadens the capacity of what you can see. These are basic foundations of systems thinking.

“To make deeper connections with each other, we need to be willing to be disturbed”

Meg Wheatley

The world is in a really tough place at the moment and people are in a lot of pain. How can we take more empathy for the position of another? See where they are at and ask questions. It is easy to stay in your narrow lane when you are under stress. Do a little audit of the music you listen to, the style of books you read, the media you pay attention to. It is very easy to get stuck in your bubble and do the othering thing. Othering is when we attribute negative characteristics to people or groups that differentiate them from the social norm. It is a way of negating an individuals humanity and they are seen as less worthy of dignity and respect.

Women have been ‘othered’ for years. Othering is intersectional. This means there are other marginalised groups who may also intersect with this. For example a woman of colour or a woman who is disabled, a woman of colour who is elderly. Marginalised on a few accounts. Get the picture?

So here is my tip for you. If you want a better world, if you want to be more empowered, if you want to see more compassion and kindness; it starts with you. Challenge your own thinking, seek out alternative points of view on an issue, do not just cling to your co-conspirators all the time. Listen to some new music. Try some new practices. Challenge your own internalised belief systems. I was a big Hatha Yoga devotee for years and then three years ago I discovered Kundalini Yoga by virtue of the fact I shared a room on a retreat in Mexico with a wonderful lady who is a Kundalini Yoga teacher. Gave me a new tool for mindfulness and a great friend!

You will build some new neural pathways, you will meet some new people in your life. It may help you navigate the harder stuff in life with greater ease. You may very well discover a whole treasure trove of cool parts of yourself that you never knew existed. Challenge the stories you have been told.

If you want to experience life differently, look through different lenses. You never know what you may find.