How do you deal with big changes in your life?

How do you deal with big changes in your life and how do you learn? The way we enter into, navigate and exit transitions really matters because it sets us up for the next stage of our lives.

We all go through a midlife transition, regardless of gender. I think the unfortunate thing for menopause is that a lot the transition volatility of midlife gets blamed on menopause. They are two separate, but often parallel transitions.

One of the reasons I chose to pursue further study around relationship and sexuality coaching was because, at one time, I had so many executive coaching clients blowing up their lives, in particular their relationships in their midlife transition and I thought I need to learn to support these people better. Whilst I had studied adult development intensively and really understood, the shape of the stages of adult development I was unsure as to what the other factors were, that were getting in the way.

Here is what I know about our midlife transition. It is a HUGE opportunity.

Many people come to this time in life and they feel stuck. Maybe in relationships, in jobs they don't really like. They often reach this stage and don't like where they are, they don't know how to express how they feel about it and don't know how to get it out of it. Many people don't know where to go to find answers and they can often make really big changes and life altering decisions to get away from the pain of what they are feeling. They can't actually see that with everything they are feeling what they are actually crying out for is a transformation in their life.

A lot of pain from our childhood resurfaces to be healed. Many people at this inflexion point in their lives do a bit of an audit. There are hidden gifts within your wounds. Some of us are forced to address childhood trauma, wounding from early relationships in our teens and twenties. When you can face your wounding with compassion, from a different perspective, face the consequences of decisions in the past, when you can give your wounding space, you can come to terms with who you have become.

Old pain that resurfaces, needs time for you to release any grief that is accompanying it. This might mean letting go of long held hopes and dreams. This transition gives you an opportunity to really review you life, the road behind you and the road in front of you and align with your purpose. That is what this transition is really all about, moving from an ego driven early adulthood to a second adulthood driven by purpose and meaning.

It can get derailed really easily can't it?

Especially when you look for answers outside of yourself. Because you see, this transition asks you to dive deep inside of you.

The more you heal and release now, the more you make way for spaciousness, new beginnings and new opportunities in your life. Change does get hard as we get older because we do get a bit stuck in our ways. So midlife is the time to deal with it so we can live well in the second half of life.

If you don't deal with pain, unresolved trauma and wounding now, you step further into victimhood and continue to project this wounding outward and that is when a lot of relationship issues, conflict and unhappiness can occur in the long term. In this time in our lives we have more power to accept ourselves fully and take accountability for our healing. We did not have this power when we were younger but we do have it now.

We can rewrite our transition story at midlife. We can rewrite how we deal with this stage and approach it with acceptance and grace but it takes some inner work. When we can accept all the different parts of ourselves fully, we come home to the truth of who we really are. Don’t cling to the past, that is when you get stuck, heal the wounds from the past, accept where you are now. That creates space for the future.

As Carl Jung said, ‘when we look outside we are dreaming, when we look inside we awaken’.

Dancing with Grief

I’ve been thinking about grief a lot this week, well actually I’ve been thinking and feeling it. My husband’s grandfather passed away earlier in the week. He had turned 98 on Sunday and then died on Tuesday. We knew it was coming. He lives quite far from us and we all said goodbye to him in July which was the last time we saw him. He was sharp, funny and a true gentle man. He play online Bridge with my husband and kids and anyone else who turned up online up until about ten days ago.

Grief is a funny emotion. Most of the others pass through if we let them in a matter of minutes but grief seems to come through in bursts and can stick around for quite a while. What I notice, is when I am quiet and still that is when it comes. In surrender.

Even then it comes in bursts, and can keep coming for quite some time. When our Grief last longer than six months, it is now pathologised as depression. To me this seems like a total misunderstanding of grief.

A colleague said to me a few years ago, grief is love not able to be expressed.

I loved this insight and to me this seems true because we always grieve love we have lost, over time it fades but does it ever really go away?

For grief doesn’t just occur when a beloved passes. When relationships end we grieve. When we have acute illness we grieve. When our youngest or only child passes milestones we grieve because we know that we will never see or experience that stage again as a parent.

As our bodies age and we move into a new rite of passage, stage of life, we grieve for what we leave behind and for all the dreams and aspirations that we had that we were not able to experience. We grieve for the choices we made that allowed us to walk through a door way and miss another. We think of what may have been.

When we grieve in the present we often tap into a reservoir of unresolved grief from the past. Grief that wasn’t finished, that still lives in our bodies. It is never too late to heal unresolved grief. Healing is always an option and your body will tell you someway and somehow. Our darker emotions are rooted in alchemy, they always take us some place else. When we open to the wisdom of the darker emotions, particularly grief, there is always another emotions waiting for us. Grief often gives us gratitude.

“The gift that grief offers us is the capacity to see deeply into the way things are. Life is limited. We are here for only a short time. Grief asks us to know this, not only in a disembodied, cerebral way, but in the marrow or our bones - to look into the reality of death and loss with our usual egoic blinders on”

— Miriam Greenspan - 'Healing through the dark emotions'

Unexpressed grief holds a lot of hurt. Culturally we don’t express death well. We don’t acknowledge that the journey of life is a series of death and rebirths all the time as we grow and journey into different stages of our lives. Unexpressed grief gets passed down through generations in individuals and societies and comes out culturally in often unrecognisable forms; forms that are sometimes violent and highly destructive. The lack of acknowledgement of our grief is bringing about the destruction of the planet. The symptoms; increasing busyness and consumption, increasing depression, loneliness, anxiety, boredom and apathy.

I don’t think there has been a more important time to learn the gifts of listening to our body, to be with our darker emotions and learn the transformational power that they bring.

If this post resonates with you feel free to pass it onto a friend.

Midlife Crisis

What is a Midlife Crisis all about and why is it so destructive in so many people’s lives?

The Middle passage is a time of transition in adulthood that can happen anytime from 30s through to our 70s. Most of us are familiar with it happening in our 40s and it is commonly known by the term ‘Midlife Crisis’. It is a time of internal upheaval that some handle well by going inside to explore their inner world. Others not so well when they project it outside. Outside projection shows up as trying to fight ageing, affairs, the new sports car, working out vigorously at the gym, recurrent changing of jobs, the list is long. Without a doubt there is an increased awareness of our mortality as our bodies start to show signs of age, not quite doing what they used to. For many women Peri Menopause is whacked on top of this and it can prove to be a really challenging time in life for them. It is also a time in life where health issues start to show up for many people. It is a time of absolutely huge transition and upheaval in our life that our society as a whole does very little to support.

James Hollis, the Jungian analyst, describes it as the time where we transition to our second adulthood. Our first, which he believes is from about twelve years to forty, has been driven by ego. We don’t really know who we are and how to ‘adult’ so we just copy. Our sense of self comes via external validation. We copy our parents, external role models at work; it is a time that we are focused on establishing ourselves. At work by climbing the hierarchy of the organisation, buying property, cars, having children. Driven by the ego we constantly project outwards our unconscious parts of self we have not integrated, the parts of ourselves we split off from to survive. Our original essence that was squashed down to fit in with the demands of parents, family, culture, the world around us. Our childhood patterns created in times of overwhelm or potential abandonment to survive. There is no doubt that the cultural contexts that surround us, with their constant worship of youth, do little to support or encourage us to move toward this transition and see it as the step to emotional freedom that it is for most people.

Our second adulthood according to Hollis is about finding our purpose and realisation of who we really are. It starts when our projections start to dissolve and in search for an answer to the question, “Who am I?”. How do you know when this happens? My observation of coaching many people in this transition over the last 10 years is they start to question everything in their life. Their rose colored glasses have come off and they start to see life as it really is. They start to see through the politics and machiavellian behaviour in the workplace. They start to see side of their partner they haven’t taken notice of before. They actually start to recognise that their partner is human. They get a bit rebellious really. They yearn for change. Some people get depressed because they yearn for change but are so bogged down by the constraints of their current lifecycle they can see no way that they possibly can make changes to their life.

“‘After the Middle Passage, no one can say where the journey will take us. We only know that we must accept responsibility for ourselves, that the path taken by others is not necessarily for us, and that what we are ultimately seeking lies within, not out there’.
”

— James Hollis

The turbulence is they psyche's way of pointing us towards integration of self and wholeness. Our bodies are strong and wise, they seek wholeness and healing always. They are constantly sending us messages to point us toward this. Our psyche is saying to us you know those childhood parts of yourself you split off, it is time to go bring them back. Those emotions you were told were unacceptable, go find them and learn to experience them. That nervous system of yours, it needs rewiring so you really know what safety, love and belonging feel like in your body. I describe my body as the home I live in. The home of my soul. Do you know psyche is the greek word for soul? Our soul wants to have a good second half of life, it is telling us ok it is time for you to sort this out.

I’ve spent years studying adult development through a development psychology perspective. If I look at it through a developmental lens it is a time where we grow the shape of our thinking and change the pair of glasses that we see the world through. We move from seeing it as shades of grey to a colorful kaleidoscope of colors that move constantly in and out of each other. Do you remember Kaleidoscopes we had when we were children? I loved them. We are now starting to see the complexity of life in all its color and it is hard to learn the skills we need to thrive because it requires some big changes in our life.

The turbulence is normal and it is ok. It is perfectly normal to start to question. The answers are not outside of you, they are within. Midlife asks of us not to look outside of ourselves but within. Into our inner world. The answers will not be found outside of us. Not in a new relationship with another, not in a new car, not in a new face or new clothes. They reside within us. We are multi-dimensional beings, it is about learning to love all the parts of ourselves and accepting them. The middle passage is a journey to our 'home' and finding the divine within it. It will be hard and challenging, you will lose some friendships along the way because you will simply outgrow people. That is OK, walk away gracefully.

What are some of the ways you can partake in this inner journey? Well there is coaching of course, this is a journey I guide people through. Some people need therapy because they have a lot of trauma in their body that needs to be worked with slowly and carefully so the nervous system can be rewired ( in particular those who suffer from C-PTSD and PTSD). Somatic Experiencing and EMDR are two modalities that work specifically with trauma in a slow way. Talk therapy like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy can be useful for some people. Embodied movement particularly for women, that brings them into connection with their Yoni, all their reproductive organs and connects them with their adult feminine power is an excellent practice. Feldenkrais, pilates and ecstatic dance are different practices that bring us back into our body. Breathwork is an excellent practice to work with trauma and unwind old habits and patterns. Mindfulness practices are excellent to start us on our journey to lead us on the journey inward. Traditional meditation where one sits very still are great, they are very masculine by nature. There are more dynamic forms of meditative practice like using a jade egg or kundalini yoga that uses movement, mantra and breath to expand conscious and create capacity in the nervous system.

Finally it is helpful to do this work in groups if you can. I know that sisterhood is a powerful container for healing and growth. There are womens and mens circles that exist everywhere. You can start one up. We move through rites of passage in a more supported and grounded way when we are supported by community.

The list is long. You can find something that works for you and it maybe that you work with a couple of modalities at once. The most important thing is that when you feel the turbulence, you start doing something to set yourself up well for your transition to your second half of life.

Please forward this onto a friend who may be interested. If you are interested in being coached through this transition please contact me for a free consultation call. I will be launching a course this year on Midlife transition for Women that supports transition through Midlife and Menopause. If you are interested sign up to my mail list so you receive information about it.

How culture can shape our narrative around transition

I’ve been watching Grace and Frankie on Netflix. If you haven’t seen it I can recommend it, it is very funny. The common complaint by the two female lead characters, played by Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin, is that as women age they become invisible. Their needs do not matter.

When it comes to transitions and life stages, what is valued by a culture tells you a lot about how they think about it. What is said or not said, gives you implicit clues about how to behave during that transition. So in a culture like ours where no one talks about menopause, what clues are given to women about how to behave? Pretend that it is not happening, try to avoid it at all costs. Be quiet, stay invisible and try to ride it out. Would women’s experiences be different if we talked about it openly and embraced the transition supporting each other in community with each other? I think it would.

What about a mother returning to work from parental leave. When her Boss says I am so glad you are back, I have so much for you to do. With no acknowledgement of the monumental transition she is in the middle of, learning to be a mother, implying just be your old self. Well this is very challenging for many women because that old self does not exist anymore. She is a more expanded version of herself. Is the message yes lets just ignore the fact you have children and never talk about it? Many parents complain about the frowns they get as they rush out the door at 5pm to pick up children from childcare or after school care. Is it any wonder that so many women leave large organisations to join the world of small business working for themselves. Not only is this about flexibility but they can actually be themselves, care for their children and not pretend they do not have any.

What has a rite of passage you have experienced taught you about how to behave and how our culture values it?

What archetype of a woman is the most valued in our society? It is certainly not the wise woman, who is ignored and marginalised. I don’t think many mothers feel their whole self is acknowledged either. What is valued is the fertile 25 year old female. This is reflected in media, advertising, fashion, range of cosmetics and the list goes on.

Each transition women have builds upon the previous one. Motherhood goes for a long time and crosses over the midlife transition through Perimenopause which can go on for many years. The Perimenopause journey is an opportunity for rebirth and reconnection. The average age of menopause is currently 50-51 but it can occur earlier or later than this. There we enter the second half of our life, known as Maga time. This is a time of immense productivity and creativity for many women. The Crone phase which used to follow mother in the days when women only lived to 45, is now acknowledged to occur when women reach 70, this is the time for slowing down.

The Maga time is when many women really ‘hit their straps’ in terms of creating new businesses, birthing new passion products and for many finding their voice and using it. So let us start embracing this phase, enjoying our greying hair and the changes to our body and acknowledging the transformational benefits of this stage. Lets start supporting each other, transitions are easier when supported in the container of community

Women have another option. They can aspire to be wise, not merely nice; to be competent, not merely helpful; to be strong, not merely graceful; to be ambitious for themselves, not merely for themselves in relation to men and children. They can let themselves age naturally and without embarrassment, actively protesting and disobeying the conventions that stem from this society's double standard about ageing. Instead of being girls, girls as long as possible, who then age humiliatingly into middle-aged women, they can become women much earlier - and remain active adults, enjoying the long, erotic career of which women are capable, far longer. Women should allow their faces to show the lives they have lived. Women should tell the truth.

Susan Sontag (1972)

If you like this post forward it onto a friend. I’ve also published a new Resources page that you might like. I’ve listed books, podcasts and websites of different topics of interest. I am going to continue building on this website some keep checking in.

Rites of Passage, the world needs wise women

I was talking to a coach friend of mine this week who also works with people through life transitions. She has been doing training to be a Death Doula. That is, a person who supports an individual and their family when the individual is dying. We were talking about how we as a society have become fearful of death as we outsourced to funeral homes. I recalled a story my grandmother told me some years ago. When she was a teen, the young child living next door passed away and his body was in the front room of the house and they went in to see him before the funeral. She said he looked so beautiful and angelic and that it was a very special experience to see a human like this. She felt we had lost connection with death as a natural part of the life cycle. A passage of life.

Why did we lose the ritual aspect of rites of passage in our lives? We move from childhood to become teenagers, then to become adults. We become parents, then we go through midlife and we become older members of society before we pass away. We used to celebrate these transitions supported by community around us. We used to relish in becoming wiser and older. Why did this change? Some cultures still hold rituals around some transitions like becoming a teenager, but on the whole it seems rarer.

I’ve worked in transition for most of my career in various shapes and forms, I studied adult development for many years. The question that has always been on my mind is ‘Why do some people keep growing and developing through adulthood and some get stuck?’ There are so many reasons for this. One perspective I’ve come to is this. Many people become stuck in the adolescent to adult transition. It shows up as very black and white thinking, limited ability to cope with ones own emotions, let along the emotions of others and there are many more observable blocks. When we stopped supporting each other in these transitions, we stopped having rituals and celebrations to pass these milestones. We stopped acknowledgement and acceptance of the different stages of life. Rituals create gateways for transition.

The container of a community supporting us through transition, supports and encourages us to shed parts of self we don’t need any longer and step into and embrace the new aspects of ourselves to navigate this new stage of life. It creates safety in a time of internal turbulence. We live with a context of a cultural narrative that celebrates and worships youth, is it any wonder that individuals will do anything to avoid ageing. That so many people struggle through parenthood and midlife transition. The whole cosmetics industry is built around avoiding ageing. I have heard many young mothers I have coached over the years say I just want to get back to work and be my old self. Guess what, she is gone, you have created a whole new part of yourself now; your inner mother, an expanded version of you. Embrace her.

There is not much support culturally nor is there community support to embrace transitions. We rarely acknowledge the changes in others. These transitions are turbulent, if it does not feel safe, if we don’t understand it or feel understood, why would we embrace it?

The world needs its wise women right now. Now more than ever we need community to thrive and grow. I want to rewrite what it means to age and come into feminine wisdom and creativity. What does it means to be a 50, 60 or 70 year old woman to come into the full feminine expression of who you are. As wise women how can we come together to show our compassion, leadership, knowledge creativity and wisdom. How can we create a loving and better world? What are the roles we need to take up?

Instead of making older women invisible, which is the common experience many women talk about, what if we actually reimagined the role of older women in society? What if their role was to lead community based projects? What if their role was to ensure that younger generations thrived? What if their role was to create these community containers to support younger generations to embrace the different life stages and feel safe to keep growing, learning and evolving?

My work is about supporting women through motherhood and midlife transitions. I focus on helping women transition to become wise women. As I see turning 50 knocking on my door I love where I am in life. I appreciate every day that I am still here, that I can swim in the sea, hug a tree and laugh and cry with my family and friends. Ageing kind of rocks I think.

If you like this blog, reply back and tell me or forward it onto a friend.