When it comes to the relationships in our lives, there are some very important verbs that are actually skills we need to learn to thrive in our relationships. It can be challenging to learn how to do these skills because we don’t have many good role models of healthy relationships in our lives. Well some of us do, but many of us haven’t had good role modelling. This is because many of our parents, grandparents and great grandparents are of the generations of people who have been in survival mode for a long time. In the past two centuries we have had the industrial revolution, a couple of world wars, mass migration of displaced people all over the world. Just to name a few traumatising incidents. So learning how to thrive in their relationships was not top of their priorities; they were just trying to stay alive.
I feel like we are at a very good point in time where we can start to thrive in society. There is a lot of damage to marginalised groups that has caused a lot of harm, that is going to take a long time to repair. I feel like we are at the stage where we can really start to focus on learning to have better relationships with ourselves and with others.
So what are these verbs? Well I am just going to go through and explain each one. I want to say to you though that each verb, that is a skill, is really essential to your relationship with yourself and is a key foundation of healthy adult relationships with other humans. With everything around you really.
So here we go…
To want. What do you really want? I think this is one of the most important verbs. When you get clear on your desires, boundaries become easier, purpose and the big questions in life become clearer. Here is the kicker. Culturally we have been brainwashed to believe that to want anything is a terrible thing. If you put your own needs before others you are not a good person. I think that so many women in particular do not know what they want and it is affecting their relationships, their sexuality and their erotic life. Desire is sacred. It is a good place to start when it comes to your relationship skills and getting your needs met. You have to practice this though. Start by writing a list, what do you want? Do it every day for a week and see what comes out.
To Ask. Once you know what you want you can ask for it. Sounds easy enough. So many people struggle to know how to ask for what they need. Your partner is not a mind reader they will not know unless you tell them.
To Receive. This is a hard one. I have had to practice this a lot because I am a very independent person. Being able to receive is a key to abundance. I am talking about material and non-material things. Learning how to receive help from others. In your intimate relationship if you cannot receive, surrender is really difficult. Surrender is important when it comes to orgasm. If you cannot and relax and surrender, if the nervous system does not feel safe to surrender and receive, orgasm can be challenging.
To Take. Don’t be afraid to reach out for what you want. Many of us have been culturally conditioned that to take is selfish, that we are not a good person. Learning to take what you want when it comes before you is definitely a skill. Many of us have developed protective strategies to protect us from doing this. We dim our inner radiance so that we are not offered opportunities, we reject new friendships or intimate relationships so we don’t get hurt. It is OK you can reach out and take what you want.
To Share. Sharing parts of ourselves, being vulnerable can be really scary. I understand why because maybe when we were younger we did this and our confidence wasn’t kept. Maybe we have grown up in environments or worked in places where it has not been safe to share our innermost thoughts, to be really open to how we are feeling. Try with a friend or partner. Then think about the actual experiences you have shared wth others. Whether it has been a friend, a lover, your kids. Something that really lit you up inside, write down how you felt. Sharing life with others and co-creating experiences with others is one of the foundations of being a human. We are not meant to do it alone. Our nervous systems are wired for connection. That ventral vagral part of our nervous system which susses people out when we meet them; that’s the part that is curious and wants to connect to others.
To Refuse. This is challenging when you want to please people all the time, or if your nervous system response is fawning. To refuse is also really dependant on understanding desire. When you know what you really want and what you don’t want, refusal becomes easier. Refusal is also important when it comes to boundaries and enforcing them.
To Play. Why do we stop playing? Play is such a huge part of our learning process, of bonding with other humans. We are so good at it as children, it is how we learn as children. As teenagers we are great at playing but sometimes we stop because we don’t want to lose face. Foreplay is play. It is a really important part of arousal, of your intimate life. Playfulness is a beautiful part of being human. It allows us to try make mistakes, try again, refine, try again. To live is to play. To learn is to play. To have a thriving erotic life with another is to play. To have friendships we like to play. The spirit of play brings us into presence, when we play we are being human.
To Imagine. Maybe this should have been before play? Our imagination drives our creativity. Do you know the sacral area in your body is where you creative energy and your sexual energy come from. Yep same place. Our imagination is fuel for play. Our imagination is fuel for what is possible in life. When you share the imaginations of your inner world with your partner, anything is possible. But that can be a little scary some times can’t it? Try it. Practice sharing one thing a day. Start with something small and easy the each day, just push the boundary a little. Titration - drip by drip, baby steps. We don’t want to freak out your nervous system. Act out your imagination when it comes to your creativity. Draw, make, bake do something with those creative energies coming from your inner world.
I am sure there are far more verbs that are helpful for us in our relationships but I feel like these are a good start. It can be hard to start when you haven’t been doing these and for those of you with trauma it might be harder to partake in some of these skills. Baby steps, start with the one that feels the most comfortable and see how you go.
If you want some support and to explore these skills, you can work through these in coaching. One on One coaching offers deep exploration into many different parts of us that might be getting in the way or protecting us from branching out into these new skill areas. If you would like to explore coaching with me, head on over and book a clarity call with me to explore further.
As always pass this onto a friend if you feel it might be helpful to them.