Emotional Alchemy

Sometimes I feel like I have the anger of 1000 women inside of me. It's fleeting now. It was stronger when I was younger. Then I decided to so something about it.

I was angry about the way women are treated in the workplace. I was angry about women's health and how little focus it got. I was angry about how women were marginalised from financial resources. I was angry about how humans were destroying the earth. I was angry that people were so emotionally stunted and disconnected from their humanity.

I realised that we don't get angry about stuff we don't care about. On the other side of Anger is great passion. I am a passionate woman. How could I alchemise that anger into passion and focus it on something that was so much bigger than me. Something that would help others, help people thrive in their life. How could I set my anger into motion, alchemise it into passion?

That's the thing about emotions. We have to let them move, be in motion. One thing I have learned from Tantra is we can alchemise our emotions. They are signposts for us but we’ve have been culturally numbed from listening to them. Look at the messaging we get. “take the high road”, “keep calm and carry on’. No thanks. When you listen and feel them there is something there. On the other side of Anger is Passion. Of Grief, there is Gratitude and Love, Despair there is Faith, the other side of Fear is Joy. Frustration is telling us something could be so much better, there is growth on the other side of that.

I realised that actually we were all so emotionally disconnected and that had such a really big impact on relationships. What would happen if we learned to let our emotions be in motion? What would happen if we learned to better talk about what we need in relationships? What would happen if we could better at listening to each other?

We don’t really learn how to do relationships when we are younger do we. When I do couples coaching so many men say to me they wish they had learned all of this in their twenties. it would have made their life so much easier, would have made their relationships more joyful.

Women have to internalise so much of their emotional life. It's not ok to be angry, frustrated, sad. Who wants to be the angry bitch? So we numb ourselves to it, we put ourselves to sleep. Then we wonder why when we reach perimenopause our body is screaming at us to wakeup from that sleep. Our numbed emotions are seeping out us, sometimes in small spurts, sometimes in explosions.

Six years ago I walked out of an Executive Coaching session with a female senior executive who was working in investment banking and basically having to hide a huge part of herself in plain sight just to fit in and be safe. She was having to dim her radiant light big time just to fit into the masculine culture.

I thought fuck this, the only way women can step into their power is if they learn how to be in their bodies, to reclaim them, to learn how to express their emotions and actually be ok with that how felt. Not to numb themselves out and repress them. Because that was what I was seeing time and again. All these numb women.

A radiant empowered women loves her emotions, claims her erotic self, she glows from the inside out. I wanted to help women stop having to hide so much of themselves. God I wanted it for myself too. My intuition was telling me embodiment was the key. Sexuality was key it is so foundational to who we are. It doesn’t exist exclusively of our relationships; with ourselves and others.

So I followed my intuition and went off off studied sexuality, relationship coaching. Breathwork, embodiment work, it was life changing. it's a bit of a life long journey I think there is so much to learn. It was like opening up a big chest of gold and having a rainbow pop out of it.

I found that place in myself, learned how it felt. You cannot coach and teach something like embodiment if you haven't experienced it yourself.

Best decision I ever made. It was transformational. This work is transformational. I also met some unbelievably awesome women on my journey.

I want this for all women. I want to unwind all that conditioning. It's thousands of years of conditioning that we are unwinding here. I want women to stop feeling numb and start feeling alive. I want them to reclaim their anger. To speak up for issues that are unjust. To stand in there power and defend their boundaries. To say No I am not OK with what is going on here.

Because I know of you if heal womens relationships with their bodies it will help men. It will help the planet.

Every time I see a woman go through six months of coaching, I'm always amazed by the difference and the person I meet at the end. They glow from the inside. It improves their relationships - all of them. I love my clients, I love working with woman because they try so bloody hard.

The Dalai Lama is famously quoted as saying “The world will be saved by the Western Woman”. Based on what I've seen in the last five years I believe it down to my bones.

One of the best ways you can start to wake up to your emotions is through Dance. Dance out those emotions. I made up a little Emotional Alchemy playlist for you on spotify.

If you want to dive deep and learn how to alchemise your emotions, I have some spots open for coaching right now. Drop me a line if you want to talk about it or you can book a free Clarity Call.

Growing all the parts of us

In every system on earth, one pattern you see is the pattern of contraction an expansion. It is the natural ebb and flow of any system. When they are growing in complexity they expand out, and then they contract back in, before they find their new rhythm.

What does that look like in a human? Well I am glad that you asked. Ever shared a really vulnerable comment in a group or online and then wanted to go and hide in a cupboard in the dark? Yes that is when you have really pushed on your edges. Whilst it may feel incredibly uncomfortable you should celebrate yourself because you have just stretched yourself a little bit. Doing it in little titrated bursts is a good thing for your nervous system too. Then the expansion doesn’t feel so overwhelming.

We often see this other systems too. Our natural environment has swings and natural patterns and rhythms to it. Fire, flood, drought, cyclones they are all natural occurrences that some might say are over corrections. However when I look at indigenous Australians and the way the work the land, the use of fire in a controlled way is a natural part of the healthy growth of the natural environment.

One thing that I find super disturbing is the increase in mental health issues in society. It seems a big swing out don’t you think? At the moment, in the pandemic context it is understandable because it is hard to be isolated from our friends and family. Our nervous systems co-regulate each other. The ventral vagal part of our nervous system which is predominantly in our face and upper chest and shoulders and neck is all about connection. Being curious. When we are in our ventral vagal state we are curious and connected. Wearing masks at the moment is necessary, but that can be challenging because when we look at people, at their faces, it’s the ventral vagal part of our nervous system that is sussing that person out. Feeling into their system and asking, can I trust them, are they safe? Combine that with not being able to be around each other too much, so missing out on that co-regulation, it makes sense that people are suffering. In particular, women like to be around each other and tell stories, that is soothing to us. I think men like it too, the like to tell yarns and have a laugh with each other.

Current context aside, the mental health issues have been around for a while. I think one of the reasons is we have been encouraged for a really long time to disconnect from our bodies as a source of wisdom and intuition in favour of rational and logical thought. The part of our brain that controls the logic and rational stuff is the neo cortex. From an evolutionary perspective this is a newer part. We have two other parts that we are really not hanging out with so much, the primal part of our brain and the limbic part. The latter runs our nervous system and the limbic, emotions, feelings, orientation toward pleasure and pain, reward. There is so much benefit from inhabiting those other two parts. When we ignore them we are cutting ourselves off from the message from our emotions and the intelligence of the nervous system.

To access these parts of your self, your inner world, you need to practice focusing in on them, feeling sensations in your body and describing them. There is so much to be gained from doing this. This is our unconscious, it is very clever. Steph Biddulph in his new book Fully Human describes it so well. “When you listen to your insides, they inform you how to change, where the answer might lie. And when you have really ‘got the message, even just wordlessly, making space for it, it very often shifts. You feel a change in your body that is positive, releasing, enlivening, and you know that something has moved and you are different now”.

“If you don’t practice going inside yourself, pretty soon you forget you even have an inside. And this is a problem”

Steph Biddulph, “Fully Human”

I use tools in my coaching to bring people into these parts of their brain and this is what I find; when people focus on their inner world, their unconscious, they realise that they have a wealth of information in there that can help them find the answers they are seeking. This improves their sense of self-confidence and efficacy. They feel a sense. of coming home to themselves. They learn to love their emotions and to be with them and listen to their messages, they stop pushing them away. They stop getting stuck in stories about what happened to them in their lives to explain the way they are. They are able to move on from them and are able to step into their personal power. They learn to trust their bodies as a source of wisdom. They start listening to their body, talking to it and giving it love and attention. They realise that their mind and body are not separated but one. They realise they are multi-dimensional beings with different parts and stop being at war with themselves. They learn to love all the different parts of themselves. When we love and accept ourselves, we start to accept and love others for being just the way they are.

I want everyone to have these skills, so people stop suffering so much. I want people to thrive because given the level of comfort we live in we should be. I want adults to have adult conversations with each other, that are rich, rewarding and vulnerable. I want adults to step into their leadership roles and be able to make tough decisions. I want children to have hope. I want children to be able to be children and have fun and play. I want humans to stop looking outside of themselves for answers, giving their power away to materialism and consumerism and realise they have the answers within. I want the planet to thrive. I want to deal with climate change. My desires are big but I think achievable.

What do you think?