Pleasure as a pathway to step into your personal power

There is a saying out there that when a woman begins menstruation she enters into her power, in her menstruating years she practices her power, at menopause she becomes her power. It is a long journey, undoing years of cultural conditioning to reclaim and step into our power.

Many of us have become disconnected from our inherent power by living our lives in high summer mode all the time. That is, ON mode 24/7. Womens bodies are cyclical they are meant to have high times and quiet times, creative times and down times. What is valued in our society is production and achievement; it is at odds with the natural rhythms of a female body.

I look around me and I see many women my age who are exhausted and burned out and unwell. They are trying to work, look after young children and teenagers, some are looking after elderly parents. When I ask many women what they do for their self care practices they often look at me like I am speaking a foreign language. The common answer I hear is “I have no time for that’. If you have time for a glass of wine, you have time for pleasure practices, you only need 5 minutes each day. The question I ask them is “What is getting in the way of you giving yourself permission to pleasure?”

I know a lot of this is cultural conditioning. Women have been heavily conditioned to feel shame around their sexuality and sensuality. The word pleasure has become so coupled with sexuality and sensuality that just the mere mention of it evokes contraction in some peoples bodies. Pleasure can be sexual and sensual but it can also just be something that is pleasurable to us. It has become so coupled with those two words that it has disconnected us from our own bodies. It started thousands of years ago. I have been reading quite a bit lately around Aphrodite/Venus, the Goddess of Love. They are the same person. The Greeks called her Aphrodite as did many others and when the Romans came along they called her Venus.

The Roman Empire is known by some as the Empire without limits. In her book, Venus and Aphrodite, ‘History of a Goddess’, Bettany Hughes quotes the Roman writer Cicero. He states that the name Venus is derived from the Roman word Venire (which is the Italian verb for come). He says ‘Venus was so named by our countrymen as the goddess who ‘comes’ (venire) to all things; her name is not derived from the word Venustas (Latin word for beauty) but rather Venustas from it”. Venus is the goddess of love that is present in all things, that comes to all things, and beauty is derived from that presence of love in all things. It is from this, desire emanates. It makes sense really, don’t we all desire to feel loved. Don’t we want to experience it and see it in others? We all admire beauty when we see it, we desire what is beautiful to us.

The Goddess is simply an embodiment of an archetypal feminine energy that exists within all of us.

Jalaja Bonheim, Aphrodites Daughter.

In understanding these ancient texts, I’m beginning to understand where some of these negative connotations around desire, pleasure, womens bodies and sexuality come from. In the culture of no limits, those Romans in their pursuit of love, pleasure, beauty and desire, became a tad excessive in their life pursuits and it lead to many wars. They basically ruled the world at one point. A similar thing happened in the Renaissance and in the court of Louis XIV the Sun King. The pendulum swings hard sometimes when change is forged. From no limits to austerity. So a whole lot of coupling of concepts happened and before we know it, womens bodies are evil, pleasure is evil, desire is evil and leads to the downfall of empires.

Have you ever seen the painting the Birth of Venus in the Uffizi Gallery in Florence? For me it is one of the most mesmerising paintings around.

OK so back to us and current life. Pleasure is one of the best tools for self healing; it helps you reclaim your body and your life. Pleasure can start small with enjoying stimulating your 5 senses. Walking in nature, a soothing cup of tea. a gentle yin yoga practice. When it comes to sexual pleasure and healing we also start small with simple practices to bring awareness to and into your body. Using tools like breath, focus, intention, movement and sounding we create new pathways. Pleasure is healing because it creates new positive neural pathways in your nervous system. These pathways are reparative. When you build these pathways you develop a strong connection to your body and you are building and honing your capacity to listen to your body. You start to learn to like and love your body. You start to get comfortable in your own skin. You start to become more discerning about your choices of where to spend your time and attention. You learn to your honour your boundaries as your listening skills are enhanced.

The woman you knows her body, who is comfortable in her own skin, who is discerning in her choices, who honours her boundaries; she is powerful.

Mamagena has this great saying “The party starts with you’. Your healing, your growth, your sexuality, your radical self love, starts with you giving yourself permission to explore it. To shaking off that patriarchal conditioning that tells you you don’t deserve it and choosing yourself.

If you would like to bust off your patriarchal conditioning, come join me on my 6 week introductory program ReConnect. The enrolment closes tomorrow, May 11th. We start on the 12th. It’s slow and gentle paced because that is what nervous systems like. Come shake off some of that conditioning and learn some simple tools to pleasure so you can step into your personal power.

Pass this onto anyone you think might enjoy the read.

Maiden to Mother Transition

When a young girl goes through Menarche, she is asked to let go of her childish ways so as to accept her maturing as a menstruating woman. In many indigenous cultures she is welcomed through ceremony and accepted into a circle of adult women in her tribe. This has been largely forgotten in western culture. Menstruation is still shrouded in mystery, shame and secrecy. Cultural norms mean women have to hide what is a massive part of their life.

During pregnancy and childbirth a new mother is asked to let go of egoic behaviour that will prevent her from giving selflessly, gently and open heartedly to her new baby. She is forced to face her shadow or perceived negative attributes that she has buried deep underground. This requires us to get extremely vulnerable. It can be a long and painfull transition. Through this transition you birth your own Inner Mother.

It requires us to get familiar with all the different parts of us - those we like and those parts we don't. It takes a lot of conscious exertion of energy to keep those parts we don't like in our unconscious. This plays out in our conscious life. These are child parts of us that were not loved or acknowledged when we were children, so we fragmented them off into our unconscious to stay safe. To survive we adopted behaviours used as strategies to make our way in the world many of them focused at keeping us in control. When we can really embrace those dark parts and learn to love them we emerge from this transition more whole.

Finding these underworld parts asks something different of us. We cannot access our unconscious through our rational and logical part of our brain. We need to go into our primal and limbic parts of our brain to feel for them in our body. So this work requires us to learn to be in our body; to experience all of our emotions in a grounded way. When we learn to love and accept our dark parts we stop projecting them onto other women. We start to heal our sisterhood wounds which in turn, helps us naturally support other women. We can see and own the messy side of ourselves and not get sabotaged by it.

Why is this transition so important? When we don't accept our dark parts we project them onto others. When we can't be with our own emotions in a grounded way and learn to self-soothe, we cannot soothe the new baby in our arms who comes into this world with an unregulated nervous system. For the development of healthy attachment patterns with our babies, we have to co-regulate their nervous systems to help them learn and grow. We teach them slowly how to self soothe and provide that sense of safety in their nervous system through our attunement to them, when they cry from hunger, tiredness or needing a nappy change. Learning to feel safe to be vulnerable aids in our personal development because we start to ask questions and seek to understand what is going on. When we heal our sisterhood wounds we learn to support other women in community and be able to hold space for them. When we heal our sisterhood wounds we open the door for our sexual empowerment.

Our journey through rites of passage is different to that of men. Women go into a dark place, the underworld. The vulnerability they experience in their descent is challenging and in the stripping back of parts of themselves they don’t need anymore, they plant the seeds for their new expanded self to grow. It is like a tree that sparks from a seed and first it grows roots down in the dark of the earth so that when it grows taller and its branches spread wider, it has a good base to support its growth. Every time we go through a transition in life we go to this place, the time it takes to transition and the degree of transformation is different every time.

When many women go back to work after parental leave many feel quite disconnected because they know they have changed, yet very few workplaces acknowledge that change or provide transition support for them to go back. Often many women experience a huge degree of cognitive dissonance because of this; they have to pretend they don’t have children at work. It can be a very confusing time for many women, they cannot just turn off the mother part of themselves. Why should they?

There is so little support for women post partum to work on all of this. Most of the support is physical and maybe looking for signs of depression. When we support our mothers in society we foster a healthy community and society. Our children are our future.

Well good news. Dr Nic Pawley and I will be launching our online course next year to help you create your inner mother. This course will focus on the bio/psycho/social aspects of your personal development. You will learn embodied practices to develop a healthy grounded relationship with your emotions; you will learn about post-partum health from a TCM perspective; the changing rythms of womens sexuality throughout their life; how to work on your unconscious childhood patterning that may be holding you back and how to create your inner mother.

If you are interested let us know. If you know someone who may be interested forward this email onto them.