A few years ago I was at one of my sons cricket game on a Saturday morning with my husband. We ran into an old friend who is a CEO in a financial services institution. We were talking about the state of the world; climate change, gender inequality, corporate toxicity all of it. Our friend turned to us and said “ I think Men have really stuffed it all up and should give up and let Women run it all', what do you think?” My husband agreed. An older friend of ours who was also standing watching, who at that time was in his late 70s said “oh no women get super angry when they go through menopause and they never stop after that!’. I ignored that comments. I of course loved it; I was feeling very vindicated after years of putting up with rubbish behaviour in the corporate environment. But also as a coach I see patriarchal conditioning playing out negatively for everyone I coach, regardless of their gender, every single day. Later my husband described the look on my face as like ‘the cat who ate the canary!’
But here is the big kicker and it is really why I do, the work I do. So many women have been ‘kicked down’ for so long there is a lot of work that needs to be done to build up their self-love, self-efficacy, ability to hold all of their emotions in a grounded way AND to make friends with their relationship to power. To learn to connect with their sexuality and to enjoy erotic pleasure all for themselves. In my humble opinion, until all that healing work is done, nothing much is going to change.
One of the biggest skills we need to learn as adults, particularly if we want to set ourselves up for thriving in our second part of life, is to be able to hold the energy of the feelings of our emotions. Feelings, particularly those associated with those feelings we’ve been taught to repress because they are unacceptable (you know the usuals Anger, Grief, Sadness, Frustration, Despair), can feel kind of yuck when we are not used to it. It takes a lot of practice when we’ve been repressing them to be able to hold the energy of them in our body and let it run through. It is not enough to be able to talk about it, you have to be able to stay in your body and feel it. Let me tell you it takes an enormous amount of energy to keep them repressed, so think of what you are missing out on it terms of access to your life force energy by keeping up these unhealthy patterns of repression. Imagine the toll it takes on your body!
When you cut yourself off from feeling one emotion, you cut yourself off from all of them - you don’t get to choose. There are so many ways you can learn to' ‘feel all your feels’ and most of them will centre around some form of embodiment practice. My best tip if you a starting this journey is Dancing. Yes find a song that lets you connect with the feelings you are having and go dance your little heart out.
The second really critical thing I think women need to connect with is their sexuality. I can tell you that when you do this, you will feel liberated and free. Your sexual energy is life force energy. When you cut yourself off from that, you lose vitality, a source of nourishment and energy. Our Sexuality is a deep part of who we are as humans. It is a foundational aspect of who we are. When you connect with your sexual energy you build confidence and self-esteem, self-love and self-acceptance. Many women have learned about their sexuality through a masculine lens and for this reasons many of them find it hard to connect with what their erotic energy and how their body functions sexually. Often thinking this doesn’t really work for me or feel like me. My body doesn’t work well, I am broken. Well firstly I want to tell you that there is nothing wrong with you. You are judging yourself based on a model of male sexuality. Secondly, you can start really slowly by practicing female embodiment practices - I have a free Mini Course on Female Embodiment if you would like to start up some practices.
“There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening, that is translated through you into action. And because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any medium and it will be lost”
Finally, connecting with your sensuality is another strong key to connecting with yourself. Your sensuality is how you take in the world through your five senses. It is grounding to your nervous system, it is a source of great pleasure and joy. Our senses help us connect with the deep parts of ourselves that we have locked way. They take us to the places inside of us that are often unconscious. Pleasure through our senses are a great source of joy and nourishment. It is also a source of grounding for your nervous system and a great tool to use for rest and finding simple pleasures in the moment.
Of all the women I coach most of the ‘problems’ they have, are related to feeling broken sexually and emotionally, frustrated, hopeless, lacking self-esteem and self confidence, are not because they have done anything wrong. It is because we have grown up in a culture that wants women to play small, be quiet and not complain. There is implicit messaging that if you own your emotions, if you have a healthy sexuality and connection to your sensuality, there is something wrong with you. You are too much, too big, too emotional.
So here is what I want to say to you.
Pleasure is your birthright. All human bodies have a innate orientation toward it.
So there is a bit to do if we want women to run the world, but it is not that hard, inaccessible or gruelling. It involves us unlearning all this cultural conditioning. It involves a bit of rebellion.
In fact, learning all these new skills can be a lot of fun. It can be liberating, give you a sense of freedom and you could even see it as an act of revolution. It’s an act of unlearning all the bullshit cultural messaging you’ve been told of how you are supposed to be and to learn how to just be yourself.
If you like this post, pass it onto a friend. If you have any questions or feedback, hit reply and come back to me.