For most of us, for most of our lifetime we have been bombarded with anti-ageing messaging. This comes from a number of industries but the predominant influence for most people is the cosmetics industry.
You know what I am talking about, everything is aimed at anti-ageing. Creams, sun-screen, cosmetic procedures like botox all aimed at playing on our insecurities around ageing. Youth is apparently what is valued and we see this everywhere in popular culture. Do you know how hard it is to find stock photos of women over 40 that I can use in my media? It is virtually impossible to find photos of middle aged women.
One of the big challenges of midlife is the changes to our bodies, we notice it takes a bit longer to recover from exercise for example. For people in perimenopause, they often start to notice change in their menstrual patterns, timings and in general just their experience of this. This can set off for many of us, our unconscious conditioning around ageing and behaviourally set off patterns of behaviour that put us into denial about the ageing experience. Which can be detrimental to our health and wellbeing.
Why is this?
Well because in popular culture, youth is valued. So to age is to become invisible and this threatens one of our very core motivational needs around belonging. Thousands of years ago, if we were rejected by the tribe, we would die. We rely on the tribe for safety and to be fed. Rejection meant death. This is wired into our bodies, belonging is a key to safety and survival. You see this replicated in organisational culture where you see people participating in quite frankly, pretty appalling behaviour, because it has become the norm.
When we try to cling to our youth, we actually block our growth and development. Your midlife is about moving from your first adulthood to your second adulthood. Your first is driven by your ego and is really about establishing yourself. In your career, family, a home. For many people the drive to do all of this comes from projections from the family system. For example many of us end up directing our career in areas our parents suggested we might be good at. For most of us at midlife we really start to challenge those choices and start to pursue our passions.
Midlife is the gateway to your second half of life and a life that is purpose driven, full of meaning and sees you pursuing your passions. Your purpose is not what you do, it is who you are. I’ve had many a previous coaching client reach their midlife transition and seek big changes. The comment I hear most is “I cannot pretend to be anything other than myself anymore”. Your soul is calling you to wakeup and be your true self.
So when we start to listen to those inner callings, the shakes of our internal earthquake, they key is to start to look inside of ourselves. Not project it out and seek resolution externally. New cars, new clothes, new face, new relationship.
So I wonder what would happen to us if the messaging we received was “How can you set yourself up to live well in the second half of life?”
I think we would all be able to navigate this with greater ease because we would start to pay attention to this inner calling and explore our inner world. We might consider the food we eat and whether this promotes ageing well. We might think about our stress levels in our life and seek healthy ways to manage this. We might review our exercise and whether we need to start something new, stop something that might be too vigorous and develop an appropriate strategy or keep going with what we are doing but maybe slow down the pace.
Ask yourself, “How can I set myself up to live well in the second half of life”. What do I need to consider when it comes to my mental and physical health. Is my work fulfilling, where are my passions, what is important to me? Review how you move your body and how manage stress, what do you need to start, stop and continue? Are you getting enough sleep? Sleep is the absolute foundational element of our mental and physical wellbeing.
Search for the answers within and start reading and researching a bit, or talking to friends about how they are managing their wellbeing.
Stop listening to the anti-ageing rhetoric and start thinking about what you need to do to age well. This will require you to be radically honest with yourself about where you are at in this autumn season of your life. The developmental challenge of midlife is learning to be honest and truthful with yourself; if you do not do this, none of these midlife challenges will leave until you do. You need to let go of the childhood habits that are running your behaviour and holding you back from stepping into your personal power and wisdom. When you cling to the youthful parts of yourself, you stop your adult parts from taking charge. This is not great for our intimate and platonic relationships.
So back to my starting question. If it was more about ageing well and less about stopping ageing, I think we would probably do a better job of accepting where we are at, accepting the signals of our body and that would have an overwhelmingly positive impact on all areas of our lives.
If you would like to learn more about the developmental challenges of each season of our life look at my page on our Inner Seasons.
If you would like to learn and lean deeply into your autumn season, come join me on my 12 week group coaching program Magnificent Midlife which start mid August 2022.