In our midlife transition, as we enter perimenopause, many of us find that we need time away. More moments of quiet, of solitude, to be on our own. Some of us find that we want to go away; or we dream of heading off on our own into solitude. Some of us find we spend more time in our bedroom resting. Away from the busyness and noise of our house.
It all starts with a need to unplug and many of us feel the overwhelming urge to pull back from the noise of daily life. Our social calendar, caretaking and the constant and often relentless multi-tasking that we have been doing for years. I found I was less interested in socialising and was quite happy to spend quiet time on my own.
This can be challenging for some people because being busy can be a badge of honour for some of us. We can feel pulled in two directions; between our old self and the person we are becoming. Sometimes our body tells us, we either can’t sleep or we are overly fatigued. It is sending a message to slow down. For some the chatter can feel loud; we find we cannot tolerate superficial interactions they are draining and a new desire emerges for a strong need for stillness.
Digital image, Kellie Stirling, The wisdom of stillness, the Autumn of the soul.
Midlife is not just about hot flashes and irregular menstrual cycles; your brain is being rewired to support your new hormonal cocktail and new phase of life. As estrogen and progesterone start to shift, your brain rewires social bonding and caretaking drives begin to soften.
This change is body, mind and soul. An unmasking is happening. All the protective strategies you developed as a young person, which have kept you safe, won’t serve in your adult relationships anymore. This change is pulling you into emotional adulthood. This quiet urge to be still is your body’s way of creating some space for you to review who you have been and reflect on who you are becoming. It is a process of integration that your body is driving for you.
Stillness supports us to access our deeper knowing. When we slow down, stop all the running around, all the things we have ignored come up. Our grief, unfulfilled desires and boundaries that were not spoken, so we swallowed our words, all of this needs to be processed. It is a reckoning that is supporting us to access our inner authority.
In our first half of life, our sense of self is created and shaped by our outside world. Culture, family systems, social systems they are all drive our dreams and aspirations. In the quiet of our late forties (sometimes it’s earlier) we realise we have had the answers inside of us all along. That deep quiet and stillness shifts our orientation for seeking to knowing. We come back into our ‘centre’ our internal compass starts to drive our choices.
One of the challenges for many of us, because of the demands of our lives, is finding the time for quiet. Here are some practical solutions I offer to clients I am coaching that might be helpful.
Walking in nature, without your phone on, or without listening to a podcast or music, is incredibly regulating for your nervous system. Nature can match our slower internal rhythm.
Mini breaks of solitude. Micro-dosing quiet moments in your day. Ten minutes away from your phone maybe sitting in a park or garden, enjoying a cup of tea. Feeling the sun on your face. I also like yoga nidra and will hide away somewhere in the house to do a 20 minute practice when I can.
Becoming unapologetic with your Boundaries. Learning to say no to social events or extra work as you notice your nervous system is craving rest.
Daily journalling. Taking 20 minutes in the morning or evening just to write, from a stream of consciousness, everything that is on your mind is a great way to settle your brain and nervous system each day.
Perimenopause is not the end of your life, it is actually the grand entrance into your most authentic self. The developmental challenge of midlife is coming home to the truth of who we really are. The quiet that you are seeking is not a problem to be solved. It is actually the sound and movement of your body guiding you toward you returning home to yourself.